Thursday, 21 January 2010



Wow, women are sort of useless, aren’t they? The media twats who sculpt the gloriously vacuous landscape of the ad world certainly want us to think so. I had always thought we ladies were reasonably hardy creatures but, evidently, I am wrong. As it turns out, even basic bodily functions throw up a mishap-strewn minefield.

The ladyfolk all have broken bowels, to varying degrees of severity and symptom. The first type of malfunction comes in the form of an identity crisis. According to certain infuriating ads it is clear that at least seven or so ladies are frequently blighted by bouts of uncomfortable (and unsightly) bloating. This leaves them feeling hideously weird, wrong and unable to leave the house in case their friends don’t recognise them in this monstrous guise. And, let’s face it girls, if these friends know their stuff, they’re pretty much duty bound to shun you if you’re not looking suitably gaunt and groomed. Fortunately, help is close at hand: upon snarfing down a pot or two of branded yoghurt-gunk these unfortunate women are gleefully able to feel just like themselves once more. If only the answer to every problem was so tasty.

Other women fall into more the more bothersome diarrhoea/constipation category (I mash these two complaints together as they foster an opposite side of the same sort of coin shaped relationship). Pills usually sort out both. Probably different ones. It’s actually quite boring to advertise, so sometimes they use girly props such as handbags to help outline the dynamics of these toils. All about knowing your audience, innit.

A lesser known ill advertises its ominous presence on the backs of doors in public loos, and is by far the scariest arse-related mishap. Oh yes, it’s those ads for ‘stool softening’ drugs. Seriously girls, what’s the deal with this? Does anyone out there really need this stuff? Why are you all so crap at crapping?

It would appear that slipping in some vegetable matter amongst the non-fat non-food nonsense is not sufficient. This is why the men think we are feeble. Maybe they think we get confused by all these faecal-themed ads and literally end up putting foodstuffs into our handbags instead of our mouths. Even if you’ve also stuffed a teeny tiny fake dog in there, it’s still sad and wrong wrong wrong. Let’s live and learn.

Men are never shown to be suffering from any of these issues on the bits of telly that sandwich together our nation’s pathetic excuse for entertainment, so we can only assume that these sinister complaints target only women. Either that, or the ad gods decided that ladies would make a better public face for all things faecal. Girl power ahoy! Perhaps not. Read more by Sam.