Thursday, 21 January 2010

Spitting in our general direction


I keep witnessing a phenomenon and feeling bothered by it. Sometimes I get to wondering why it even happens to begin with, but never grasp far enough to latch on to anything by way of enlightenment.

Yes, it’s the spitting thing, and yes, only men seem to be afflicted by this sinister and unsightly compulsion.

Rather alarmingly, they either have no idea as to the degree of ick this behaviour incites in the beholder (or simply don’t care) or it’s such a natural occurrence that they don’t even know they’re doing it. And let’s not forget about that special subgroup who are fully aware of the ghastliness of this act and reap buckets of glee from depositing gloopy little pieces of themselves all over the place. Such a stance is most evident in the lads who aim their treasures at the patch of pavement directly in front of my feet.

I demand answers. None are forthcoming. In lieu of scientific justification, my failsafe solution of throwing Scrabble pieces at dirty crockery has unearthed the following explanation:

The male creature is cursed with unholy rivers of saliva. This abundance of ick fluid periodically threatens to flood their feeble brains with cleansing thoughts and rush forth through their ears in urgent, gurgling torrents. It is highly likely that this vicious stream would include not only saliva, but also precious flecks of grey matter and chunks of the foetal twin sister they ate in the womb (because, yes, all sister-less boys have absorbed their unborn sibling).

To sidestep this potential gore fest, the poor lads are left with the not so heroic option of expelling these pesky globs of saliva in smaller but more frequent bursts through the holes in their faces – admittedly less spectacular than ear vomit, but decidedly less harrowing.

Sadly, for the hapless female who happens to be passing by during such an event, this behaviour will appear bizarre, unnecessary and rather revolting. Rather than feeling bemused and disgusted by this common occurrence, we should seek enlightenment and endure these episodes with silent understanding. Even when they unleash their manly mouth fluids in frightening proximity to our shoes, or faces.

Alternatively, men who chuck their spittle around are simply rude and wrong. We should burn them all. Read more by Sam.