1. TV debates. Great way of getting people interested and seeing how the candidates work under pressure, but impossible to decipher what the policies really mean. You want me to READ them all? Can’t you spoonfeed me the answers? I bet Wikipedia can tell me what it’s all about ... but they can’t explain why Sky and ITV decided to deck out the debates like pilots for sad 70s game shows that never made it past their ill-conceived debut. Shame on you all!
2. Tactical voting. The pragmatic option? Backfired this time, idiots. Live and learn? Not on my watch.
3. Cleggmania. Who? Oh, him. Yeah. Too late. Who’s gonna vote for someone who’s name we only learnt 4 weeks ago? Not England. Oh no.
4. Where are the women? Oh, they’re married to the men. Gosh, rumour has it there are some female MPs ... and yet we know more about which wife is the lesser train wreck. Nice.
5. People voting for the BNP, ‘because it’s funny’. If I was in a grave I would be rolling over in it. All in good time.
6. Rupert Murdoch. Is a dick. Monstrous, manipulative, and munching away at everything in its dirty path ... ‘M’ also stands for ...
7. The Media*. It’s big but it’s not clever. And it just happens to capitalise on the fact that most people aren’t much clever either. Classy.
8. Candidates lurking outside your Polling Station. NOT classy. I also saw a lot of blue balloons ... tempting, and yet (go on, say it) fine, the pretty little bits of gassy elastic will last longer than their promises. Cheesy yet true.
9. People who waited until after 9pm to vote. It’s your own damn fault if you missed out; don’t moan about something you’re not that bothered about.
10. Hung Parliament. Interesting. Dilute your policies or get them dirty? Tis a tricky business, but you’re not in it for the fun. Even the twisty political kind.
11. (Because 10 would have looked like I was going for a theme) The beginning of the end. Nah. Maybe we won’t even notice. Not unless the papers tell us we should be angry or sad. We can but wait.**
*Yes, even the Guardian. Another example of too little too late. Try staying ‘impartial’ next time, guys. Your notion of support is confounding.
**Which is something you’re probably used to if you live in Hackney South. Major counting/organisational fail.
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