Thursday, 18 March 2010

Britain, please stop licking the lid of life, ok?

I used to be one of those people who would lick the top of the yoghurt pot with relish, carefully wriggling my tongue across the foil to make sure I got every last drop. After all, I’d paid for it, right? That was until I moved in with my current housemate, the Physics Geek. We rubbed along together nicely for just short of five years before his actions one sunny afternoon altered the course of my dairy appreciation forever.

Picture the scene: PG sat in our living room noshing his way through a sandwich, with an apple and a yoghurt on the table in front of him. All fairly innocuous items, nothing that caused particular concern ...

Until he opened the yoghurt.

Something about the way he fondled and caressed the foil caught my attention. The way his tongue deftly and expertly licked all the creamy goodness and, oh my, was he groaning? I felt repulsed watching him lick that foil as if he was licking the lady parts of a very hot woman. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as his eyes closed slightly, caught up in the pleasure of the moment.

I had hoped that it was a momentary lapse in PG’s usually reserved nature, that perhaps he was having a flashback to some summer afternoon lovers’ tryst and got carried away. Sadly that hope was dashed over the coming weeks when he kept exhibiting the same oral pleasure over his Muller lights. I considered feigning a massive fatal allergy to yoghurt preventing it from crossing our threshold but he would have seen straight through that and so every time I am in the vicinity when the yoghurt comes out I scrunch up my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and sing “lalalalala” until it’s all over.

It’s not just damaged my relations with PG. I am unable to be around other yoghurt eaters without wanting to spit and curse at them, snarling like some she-beast as soon as their tongue starts venturing towards the lid. I dream of creating an advertising campaign to draw others to the cause of non yoghurty lid tongue action however I suspect, as with my unsuccessful campaign to outlaw pencils, I’ll be the only member and will end up sat at home alone forlornly scraping the yoghurt off the lid ... with a spoon. Read more by Alice.